Back in June of 2011, when Nicholas was 3 1/2 years old, I was forced to start potty training due to my financial situation. I knew Nicholas was not ready and had no idea how it was going to go. I decided to document the journey because I did not want to forget what felt like such a big deal. I was right, I did forget and it became not such a big deal. Until now.
A few weeks ago I saw the tag on the website and noticed it looked bigger than all the others. It's its position on the list that makes it looks so big, there is one tag with more entries, but it still holds a lot of entries. I began reading the journey again and found it very revealing. So many things I did not understand seem so obvious now that I know I was dealing with a special needs child!
With that in mind, I have decided re-visit the potty training to now document what I should have seen as signs of autism. I am doing primarily because I want the reflection in one place but maybe it will help someone out there. What I have done here is posted a link to each entry with a brief description of what happened/what sign I missed and commentary of what I see now in retrospect.
The journey began on a warm summer day...
Day 1.5
This really was emotionally taxing for me. I knew he was late to potty training game but also knew he was not ready. I felt bad and guilty for pushing him to grow up before he was ready. They're only little for a short time and I felt like I was robbing him of that. To be honest, I still do at times. What I did not know was that had I not pushed he might not have been "ready" on his own for a while. This is key, I should have already known this. So many things before this (and after) he did "late" and only after being pushed to do it. With autism, some of these milestones are not triggered naturally like neurotypical children which is why early intervention becomes so important.
OMG the splat mat! If you have carpet I don't know any other way you could do it without ruining the carpet completely. There were a lot of accidents to come and the freedom to just toss the wet underwear on the floor where he stood while I took care of him first was a huge help. In retrospect, some Sham-Wows would have been awesome too, so if you're going to be potty training I recommend those too. I know someone will suggest a shower curtain as a cheap alternative but I think the size would be too big and the splat mat was not smooth, it had a little bit of texture which I think helped avoid slipping. I got mine from a deal site, you can probably find them at consignment stores or ebay. They're worth the extra money (I used it for so many other things before and after potty training).
I honestly don't think he was psychologically ready for the potty which lead to a lot of the resistance. He did not understand what was happening or why and I had no way of explaining it to him because his comprehension wasn't there.
The logging did prove to be the most important tool. I still have the logs, it's been my reminder that I did accomplish this potty training thing!
Day 2
I vividly remember his expression at all the celebratory fuss after a pee in the potty. He was baffled and happy at the same time, he had no idea what was happening or why.
I also vividly remember this day because of the couch. *looks over at said couch* I was so angry at my mother for showing up like this. It was hot and I was overwhelmed and frustrated (not only with potty training but the finances that led to potty training) and having to work extra hard in the heat to make room and re-arrange things and these people visiting... *deep breath* In retrospect I should have told my mother no. No, you cannot come. I am sorry you have to look bad in front of your friends but you cannot just show up with people and a couch without advanced warning. Not for Nicholas, because as you can see he was fine, but for me. It was unneeded stress and it was inconsiderate of her.
I describe my reasoning for each piece of information I logged, it was all so important for the process we were going through. I had recently graduated from college, all I had done my whole life had been academia, so turning it into a "study" with information to track was what I knew how to do best. I honestly don't think we would have been as successful without my chart. We would have still been able to do it but I think it would have been much more difficult and stressful.
Day 3
I remember this realization! As soon as I realized I was the one being trained on when to sit him on the potty (by seeing patterns in my data!) I thought I would be doing it this way for ever. So many things said potty training could be done in 3 days and here I was on day there celebrating that he was not screaming at the sight of the potty.
I did not mention it in the blog, but the No Cry Potty Training Solution was my starting guide and what made me feel better about how my day 3 was going. I used her No Cry Sleep Solution with great success so I thought potty training her way would be just as successful. The failure was not in the book or her advice, but in my lack of understanding that I did not have a neurotypical child that would follow her line of progress. The book was invaluable in that it reassured me that I could do it and I could come up with my own system with success. It was a confidence boost I so needed.
Day 4 & 5
Day 4 was great so day 5 was not. I have come to learn that everything is two steps forward, way too many back when it comes to teaching Nicholas. I know part of it is normal potty training and part of it Nicholas brain. At the moment this was frustrating, but it is something I have come to accept and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Anyone coming in to potty training for the first time should be prepared for some two steps forward, one step back action.
Also, if you can pick when to potty train chose a time when the weather is to your liking. I hate the summer and having to do this in July added so much more stress and discomfort for me.
Day 6
Two important things to note on this day:
1. The incident with my mother. Unbeknown to me, I will be having this battle with her many, many times. Not just in potty training but in a lot of things. We have very different parenting ideologies and parent in very different ways so our ideas clash a lot. I have had to stand my ground and stand up to her many times for what I know is best for Nicholas.
2. The wet but not soaked underwear. I was almost there in thinking he was too busy playing to want to stop to go. What was really happening was much more important. Nicholas was not ready to be potty trained, as I said in the beginning, so he did not know how to control his bladder. At this point he is beginning to gain control and THAT is a good sign! Because peeing in a potty is still baffling to him he fails to connect his new found control with that thing I make him sit on. Instead, when he notices his muscles working, he will stop and hold. New trick!
Days 7 to 10
The potty chart! This worked really well for us, though I know it doesn't work for all children. Unfortunately, he did not fully understand that it was a reward. He thought it was part of the process which is why he wasn't upset when he had an accident and didn't get a sticker. Even after achieving potty training he would want to stick a sticker on a piece of paper on the wall.
Also the worry when he wouldn't pee. In retrospect it was more of him learning he can control his bladder and not wanting to stop to do it. Had I made this connection I might have tried to find a way to help him understand that if he just peed we wouldn't be stopping so often. At the same time, he likely didn't have the ability to comprehend something so complicated so I don't really know what I would have done differently.
Days 11 to 14
I got overly ambitious with the potty chart, I would soon find out. While the train was amazing to him initially, it was soon secondary to actually getting to put stickers on the chart. I would eventually find out that getting to chose a sticker and sticking it on something was enough. It's the simple things, I guess. Like I said before, the sticker was not a reward but part of the process.
More two steps forward, many more back, but this is totally normal. Stressful at the moment but normal. And having him hold it in so long was much more stressful than it should have been. He learned how to control that muscle and he was testing it to the max since he learned that doing so prevented the interruption to his fun.
First Two Weeks In Review
A lot of great self reflection on here. Two things I did not expect:
1. The exhaustion. The first two weeks were both mentally and physically exhausting. My brain was doing overtime trying to pick up on ALL his cues while keeping track of all his fluid intake, fluid elimination, and anything else that might affect the potty training. And my body was constantly stressed trying to remain ready to bolt the moment I saw he should be seated on the potty.
2. The change in our relationship. That was seriously A LOT of time with that little guy. Most stay at home parents will tell you that they do not interact with their 3 year olds every moment they are awake yet this is what I was doing. It was nice.
Week 3
I got excited because he asked to use the potty. He might have kept asking if I had given a bigger reward for it (extra sticker or more "yays") but no regrets.
He started trying to clean his mess which I interpreted as him trying to clean himself up under the presumption that he did not want to be dirty. In reality he was just doing what he had learned had to be done. He made a mess and it would need to be cleaned. It was that basic. It had nothing to do with potty training, it had to do with sticking to a routine. Autism was waving again and I wasn't noticing.
Of note, 7/17, "worst day ever," in retrospect I don't think it was regression or confusion due to the lack of structure the previous day. I think it was more experimenting with his control and still not fully understanding the purpose of peeing in the potty. He had shown a lot of control keeping it in and letting it go when he would sit. Now he was learning to let it go whenever he wanted to. It was still an awful day.
Week 4
Lots of good progress, still accidents. This week I bought a pack of diapers for night time use after a disastrous morning. You can't teach a child how to hold it through the night and he was most definitely not ready for night time training. I should have never stopped using them at night but I ran out and had no money for them. I had to borrow money to buy this pack.
Week 5
More two steps forward, couple more back. However, many less back than before. Also, I started working full time so the beginning of the end of my continuous tracking.
Week 6
Progress peaked for the moment, less accidents overall but still not popping in the potty much. I stopped my note taking and began worrying about UTIs due to him holding it too long. I remember feeling like we would be stuck like this for a very long time and it was hard to stay positive with the results reached so far. In parenting, one should always stop to celebrate all our steps forward, even if there are some back.
Week 7
Used a public bathroom for the first time and started refusing to use the potty, wanting to use the regular toilet instead.
Note about public bathrooms: once you reach this stage buy some packs of sticky notes!! Those automatic flushing toilets are TERRIFYING to a child when they flush while they're sitting. Not all toilets are made the same and some of those sensors are more sensitive than others. I bought some cheap sticky notes, folded them in half bottom to top away from the sticky part (to make them extra dark) and stuck them over the sensor before sitting him. When we were done I simply tossed them. I used the sticky notes for about 3 years, using them less when he was older. It sounds like a lot of sticky notes but it's not, unless you're out where you would need to use a public restroom all the time.
Week 8
Accidents continue exclusively with me. I'm not sure why. Maybe my sister was more diligent with him and I was just too tired to notice all the cues. But this is also a sign of things to come. He will continue to do things he shouldn't only with me and be great with others. Maybe he knows no matter what he does I will keep him so he doesn't care. Maybe he hates me. I dunno.
I also bought a toilet seat adapter that I will come to love. I did review it in the next post.
Week 9
I review the toilet seat adapter. I really did love it! He did eventually start climbing it on his own and even getting it from it's stored position and putting it on the toilet to use himself. It added a lot of independence to the potty training a lot sooner than it would have happened had we not had it.
Week 10
You can see my frustration here and it is not only because he was inconsistent. 10 weeks into it when so many said 3 days would result in potty training. Working full time for the first time in my life and struggling with being completely independent for the first time in my life and being a single mom to an unknown special needs child was really wearing on me. Potty training is a process that involves both the child and the parent. If one is not ready the process is difficult. When both are not ready it feels like it's doomed to fail. His inconsistencies were maddening but to be expected. Sensory processing disorder was making it difficult for him to properly and consistently feel and interpret the sensations.
Week 11
Potty training accomplished! In the daytime. And by accomplished I mean he was telling me he needed to go about 80% of the time and me asking due to cues the rest. It only took 11 weeks.
This was also the last regular entry.
The Potty Thing
Underwear are still an issue.
When he was due for new underwear after the potty training batch I got him boxer briefs and haven't looked back. They are not great or perfect, and I've tried many different brands. I have found the ones I like the most but still not 100% satisfied. I don't like the briefs or the boxers so that's what he uses.
Potty Training: A Year Later
I'll be honest, we still have potty issues that make me wish he was still in diapers. And he'll be 10 soon. The thought of a 10 year old's pee and poop is what makes me glad he is potty trained.
For reasons which I fail to understand, Nicholas will not go to the bathroom when he needs to. Instead, he goes when he is about to pee his pants. Literally. And this causes accidents. He had an accident last week, that's how prevalent this problem is. If he were in diapers... I have actually told him that I'm going to get him diapers if he can't get it together. He doesn't have a physical issue, he just doesn't want to stop what he is doing to go! Does that mean I'm still potty training?
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