Anxiety

*This was originally meant to be posted the first week of September but school started and life happened and then it was the end of the month.*

Anxiety.

That feeling when, after paying for a purchase, you turn to your child and they’re not where they were 30 seconds ago.  You look around you and you don’t see them.  That intense sensation before you spot them at a display just a few feet away.

Anxiety.

That feeling that you get when your mother doesn’t pick up the phone for the third day in a row.  That feeling in your stomach as you try to think of every reason why she’s not picking up and push away the thought of her lying dead in her home.

Anxiety.

When you hold your breath for a moment as the spinner spins rapidly on the game board and you wait to see if you’ve won the game or lost your turn.

Anxiety is a normal and natural emotion humans experience.  We all experience it multiple times in our lives.  Some things will trigger most people’s anxiety, others are very specific to the individual.  We need this unpleasant emotion for survival, it’s what pumps your adrenaline so you can outrun the chasing animal or lift a car to save the person trapped under it.  It serves as a deterrent from dangerous situations like crossing the street when the light is red.  And for most of us, once the stressful situation passes the adrenaline works itself out of our systems and we feel better.  If it was an especially big stressor, we may be “jumpy” for a couple of hours or even days after the situation passes but then we’re ok.

An anxiety disorder happens when this system that is meant to help us doesn’t work properly, causing havoc on a person’s life.  It presents itself in different ways but the end result is the same: what should have been only a slight spike in anxiety that passes in moments turns into debilitating events.

Nicholas has an anxiety disorder.



This isn’t something that has come as a shock to us.  Rather, it’s something we have been noticing since he was a baby and have watched it progress from worry-wart to anxiety.  We’ve been dealing with it the best we can, helping Nicholas cope the best he can.  But we can’t control every aspect of his life and he battles his anxiety daily.

Now, we’re not talking worst case scenario anxiety.  We are still able to leave the house and we don’t revolve our lives around his anxiety.  I know it gets that severe for some people and children and we are lucky that Nicholas is not at that point.  However, the potential for that is definitely there and what we have been doing has only been moderately helpful.

At his last physical we were referred to a psychiatrist to see what could be done about a lot of his issues.  Since Nicholas has several diagnoses we have many different factors to consider.  I discussed all my concerns with the doctor and it all came down to the anxiety.  Basically, this is where we’re at:

There is no treatment for autism, ABA can help with some of the issues and we are in the process of trying to get that.  This should help with self regulation and self care activities.  We also have OT for these.  Once he has learned some skills his overall behaviour should improve but the anxiety can make learning new things and staying on task difficult.

He has ADHD, inattentive type.  Basically, he can’t focus.  He also can’t sit still but that is due to anxiety and not ADHD, he isn’t bouncing off the walls or overly impulsive.  There is medication that can help with this but it will likely make the anxiety worse.  And anxiety makes it hard to focus in general.

So in order for him to have any real improvement with all his difficulties the anxiety needs to be under control.  For that the doctor recommended Prozac.

While I believe that any medical treatment for a child is best decided by the parents/guardians of the child and their doctor(s), I am incredibly weary of non life saving/maintaining medications for children.  I can’t judge parents for medicating their child because they know their situation better than I do, but it doesn’t sit well with me.  I know I’m not a doctor nor do I have any formal schooling or training in pharmaceuticals, but I am a researcher and I have a lot of experience with medical literature.  Everything I have found shows that medications commonly used to treat psychological issues have a long list of possible side effects, both short term and long term, and that each person reacts differently to these medications.  Children often react differently than adults, presenting side affects that are rarely seen with adults.  The research also shows that many children benefit greatly from these medications and that these medications work best with other interventions such as therapy.  For me, these medications should be seen as a last resort.

Knowing the issues Nicholas has I knew that I would have to face the medication possibility sooner or later.  It was already brought up once and I had no problem saying no and walking away.  He was very young and none of his symptoms/behaviours were affecting his life severely enough for me to want to risk a medication.  Now, several years later and with frequent anxiety attacks, I found myself thinking about medication for anxiety more and more.  We have been using L-Theanine on an as needed basis with some success but when paranoia (a common symptom of anxiety disorder that is out of control) started to show up my momma bear instinct kicked in and I felt like I needed to do something right away to help him.

In retrospect I think I “jumped the gun” on this because paranoia is also a symptom of other psychological disorders and that did scare me a little.  So as I sat at the psychiatrist’s office, explaining his symptoms and hearing Nicholas describe what he feels, I started to feel nervous about being there, asking for drugs for my child.  I had done some research before going in, I knew ADHD and anxiety were not only affecting each other but treatments for each was contradictory for the other one.  Which one is really a bigger deal?  Which one affects his every day living and learning more?  Which one would I rather have treated?  What kind of drug do I rather have in my child’s body?

When the doctor said Prozac my heart stopped momentarily and I resisted the urge to say, “You’re out of your f-ing mind” and walk out with my child.  I took a deep breath and continued listening.  I told him I needed a week to do some research and see if I really wanted him on this medication or see if his other therapies, which he should be starting soon, help with the anxiety.  He agreed and we scheduled a follow up phone appointment for a week later.

Walking out of the office I knew I wouldn’t be doing it but I waited before making the final decision.  I talked to my wife about it, I talked to people at work, I looked at some more studies and read what parents had to say about it for similar aged children.  Many said it did wonders for their child.  About the same amount said the side effects were too severe and included aggression and violence that their child had not previously had.  That was the deciding factor.  Nicholas is already aggressive, I don’t want to risk more aggression or him losing control.

I also found some great information about L-Theanine, including people using it to help with ADHD symptoms, specifically with lack of focus.  It is natural and safe and we have not experienced any side effects.  I couldn’t find anything negative about it, and I tried.

When I talked to the psychiatrist at the follow up I told him that I was not comfortable with Prozac at this time and I wanted to try the L-Theanine daily to see if would help.  He was in agreement with trying more conservative treatment first and, of course, said if I wanted to try medication in the future to call him back.  So that is what we will be doing.  We buy a chewable that tastes like mint so it’s perfect for Nicholas who has anxiety over swallowing pills and taking liquid medicine.  We have been giving Nicholas 100mg as needed (usually when we know he will experience a lot of anxiety) with good results so I’m hopeful that taking it daily will have positive results for him.

Parenting is a journey and having a special needs child makes that journey a little more bumpy than I am comfortable with.  I know I have made the best decision for my child at this time but I also know I will question this decision off and on until I am in a place where I can look back and say, “Yes, that was definitely the best choice” or “No, I should have just gone with the Prozac first.”  I don’t know when this will happen but experience has showed me that this is generally how it works for me.  I have to go with my gut instinct because that has never been wrong, but it is hard to follow it when the alternative can potentially make it all better and the choice your gut wants you to make might not make much of a difference.