There is a daycare in my apartment complex. All the apartments are like mine, one bedroom apartments. Someone thought it would be a brilliant idea to rent three of them and run them as a daycare. I guess it works. I see these kids, mostly preschool aged and younger, all the time and I often see them being dropped off or picked up as we go in and out. I have yet to see one kid be left in tears and have seen several leave crying not wanting to go home. Whenever I see that I get a pain in my stomach.
The kids are obviously well taken care of and have so much fun that they don't want to go home when their parents pick them up. That or their life at home is not a happy one. This always bothers me. Always. It makes me squeeze my kid tighter and makes me more determined to do things my way. It's not that I think these kids that are leaving crying because they have a bad home life. They probably don't. But I can't imagine a bigger slap in the face than my baby not wanting to be with me after not seeing me for several hours.
One of my biggest joys in the day is when I call my sister to let her know I'm on my way home. When she picks up I hear my baby with a happy voice say it's his momma on the phone and he is going home. I know he's well taken care of and gets plenty of attention there. To be honest, sometimes I think he gets too much attention there. He doesn't cry when he leaves in the morning or when I tell him he is going to his aunt's house, so I know it's a place he feels safe in. Which makes his joyful voice so much more sweeter.
He missed me. And as much fun as he had over there he wants to come home to me now. And the joy I see in his face when I open the car door makes me so happy. He hasn't been gone all day, usually just a couple of hours. I don't ever want him to prefer being with someone or somewhere over me. It's selfish of me but he is mine and I love knowing that his world revolves around me (and his trains) as much as mine revolves around him. He knows he's loved by me. He knows he is so very special to me. And the day he doesn't want to come to me after not seeing me all day will be the day that will crush me.
So selfish.
I'm sure at least some of those kids in the daycare are only children like mine. I'm sure part of their reason for not wanting to leave is getting to do things they can't at home like playing with other kids and playing games and doing activities that are just not possible with just one kid. And in a way it is these things that I am denying my child. For myself. To ensure his love and devotion as long as possible.
I don't buy his love. I make sure of that. My mother was always buying me all sorts of things, if I wanted it I was probably going to get it. If not now as soon as she saved enough money for it. I hate my mother. So those gifts didn't work. And it's something I always carry with me, very present in my mind. I want him to love me, not love that I buy him the things he wants. I want to make sure he knows I love HIM and he is the most important thing in the world to me. And I will not show it with gifts, I will make sure that gifts don't mean love.
I show him love with the time we spend together, the things we do together. It's one of the things that has made me hate my mother. I had all these nice things but I was so lonely. It took a suicide attempt for people to find out how depressed I was. My answer to "Why were you never around" will never be "because I was working to buy you the things you wanted." My goal is to never have to be asked that question. I want to teach him that happiness and love don't come from the objects we have but from the people around us and the experiences we have with them.
That's why I went back to school, so that I could spend more time with him than someone who has to work traditional work hours. I don't plan on earning big bucks, the jobs I'm looking at I would have qualified for without a degree. I missed out on a whole lot by spending all my time in a dark closet that no one was around to see me spend time in. I will be around and he will learn that he can talk to me. And it starts NOW. He knows that if he needs something he just needs to call me and I am there. If he is in trouble or needs help, I am there. Even if it's just to tell him that he can do it, I am there just in case he can't. And I will continue to be there so that when he is older he feels confident that he can come to me. And he will know that I will go to him if I see that he needs help. Even if it's just to be there just in case.
So yes, I am selfish. I do want be on top of his love list (under trains, of course). And I will settle for nothing less. The whole universe revolves around him. He is the baby of world, none more beautiful or more loved. And he will always know that there is no better place for him, no safer or more loving place for him, than where ever his momma is.
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