I Have Failed

Across the street from where I live there is a little house.  An older lady lives there with what appears to be her teenage son.  I sometimes see a girl but mostly just the mother and son.

Keeping Afloat

I can't say I'm the most positive person around, my wife likes calling me a debbie downer.  It's funny because, despite her accusation, I make great efforts to stay positive and not dwell on myself.  But right now I need to vent a little.  Maybe a l not.  I'm only human, I have feelings and emotions and pains.

For the past two or three weeks... maybe a month, I've not been well and the only thing keeping me going forward is knowing it could be worse.  And it looks like life is on a mission to make that as painfully obvious as possible right now.  I have two friends that have lost husbands, one with a daughter the same age as Nicholas.  One friend who was in the hospital for almost a week due to strong contractions and, basically, premature labour.  She's only 26 weeks along and very young and scared.  Someone who miscarried at 30 weeks due to shitty doctors (not in the US, no possibility for suing).  I could go on with what is going on around me and I do feel for these people and I know full well their situations are far worse than mine.

But I still have mine.

The Grocery Store

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, put down in words what a typical outing is like with Nicholas.  It just never happens because it never seems quite right.  And then I saw this video.  So let me start with our experience.

This is what a typical trip to the grocery store looks like:

We walk in, the flower display is on the immediate right.  Yes, Nicholas, those are very pretty flowers.  No, we cannot buy any flowers.  Please let go of the flowers.  I walk away in hopes that he will follow.  Come on, Nicholas, stay with me.  He runs to the berries.  You can have one kind of berry.  You want raspberries?  But look, there aren't any raspberries.  You can have blueberries, strawberries, or black berries.  Are you sure you don't want any?  I grab blueberries anyway, he'll ask for them as soon as we're home.  Nicholas, please stop spinning.  Stay close to the cart.  No running Nicholas, please stay close.  Can you help me?  Get some cheese for me, the one in the purple bag.  The purple bag, Nicholas.  Close the door nicely.  Nicely... Nicholas, please don't slam any doors!  Come one Nicholas, lets go get milk.  Stop spinning, please stop spinning.  Watch where you're going, Nicholas.  Please look in the same direction your body is moving.  Keep your hands to yourself, you're going to knock something over.  Please stop spinning.  Nicholas, no running!  No we're not getting cake today.  Because we have some at home.  No running!  Stay next to the cart, here hold the box of sandwich bags.  Oh good, peace, we're almost done.  Nicholas, please don't open that.  Here, can you put it in the cart?  Thank you for helping!  Please stop spinning.  Look!  You hit someone!  Can you apologise for hitting them?  See, this is why I say no spinning.  Keep up Nicholas....

The Homeless

*warning: very long*

Timing is everything and maybe this is a sign.

On Saturday we went to have a late lunch/dinner at a fast food place and not far from us was a homeless man just sitting, minding his own business.  He wasn't bothering anyone and I didn't smell anything when I walked passed him (I have a very sensitive nose) so I didn't find him bothersome.  It was a really hot day and he was probably just trying to stay cool.  He asked a couple of people, maybe 3, if they had spare change after they took time to give him a look longer than the normal split second.  One lady offered to buy him a burger, which he accepted.  A young man, probably older teen, was selling chocolate for some religious something or other.  I don't know what possessed him to go ask the obviously homeless man if he would buy a chocolate bar for his cause.  The man replied with, "If I had any money on me I'd buy the whole box."  They talked a little and the young man with the chocolates gave him a postcard with information to some sort of shelter or group home or something sponsored by his charity and a chocolate bar.

Potty Training: A Year Later

As the Fourth of July passed I realised it had been a year since I started the potty training journey.  Lots has happened in one year and I can say with confidence that he is fully potty trained.  He has the errant accident but our dry days largely outnumber the wet undies.  He sleeps in underwear and I've had less than a handful of night accidents.

So all is great, right?  Gotta love this diaper free life like everyone said I would... NOT!

Teen Suicide: A Little Close to Home

It's been too long, a lot has happened, and the truth is I've been lazy.  Catch up may come later...

A little less than a year ago someone shared a video somewhere, I'm not really sure where, called "60 Days Later..." which was made by the parents of a teenager who committed suicide and how they were doing 60 days later.  Through this video I found their Facebook page and have been following them since. 

Yesterday, this page posted a link to a page recently created to keep people updated on a teenage girl who attempted suicide this past weekend.  Apparently she shot herself in the head and, as of this point, looks like she may recover (though with many problems).  As I was reading through the page and the comments I was overwhelmed by how many people were posting that they lost children to suicide.  I couldn't keep count!  I knew it was a problem and in recent years bullying has been highlighted as a major cause but I just hadn't been forced to see so many actual accounts.

3 Years, 12 Months!

I know, it's been 18 days and no big birthday post.  It's just not happening this year, much less than last year.  It's just too hard this year, I cannot accept it.  From his fitting into 4T pants, to him insisting he is 5, to this sudden expanded vocabulary and expressiveness.  It's just too much.  I need my baby!!!!!!!  Or get knocked up again... but that's a post for some other place.

Anywho, here is the synopsis of the celebrations:

Missing Out

Every day I feel like I put down to bed one kid and get a whole different one the next day after work.  I'm missing out on so much and it makes me real angry.  Every day I'm told of the new things he says and does and tries and I don't get to experience them.  He is like a one hit wonder, he'll say something or do something once and then you won't hear or see it again for a long time.  And what's worse is that I can't even say it's all for a better future.  I'm at a crappy job earning less than most high school drop outs.

I look at this little person, A PERSON, and I don't recognise him.  I had a baby, I strapped in a baby into that car seat not too long ago.  Where did this little person come from?  Who is this?  I don't even recognise him anymore.  He does things and says things that are totally strange to me, completely unlike who I had with me before.  He is practically a stranger sometimes, at that really saddens me.

This really bites, and I am unhappy.