A little less than a year ago someone shared a video somewhere, I'm not really sure where, called "60 Days Later..." which was made by the parents of a teenager who committed suicide and how they were doing 60 days later. Through this video I found their Facebook page and have been following them since.
Yesterday, this page posted a link to a page recently created to keep people updated on a teenage girl who attempted suicide this past weekend. Apparently she shot herself in the head and, as of this point, looks like she may recover (though with many problems). As I was reading through the page and the comments I was overwhelmed by how many people were posting that they lost children to suicide. I couldn't keep count! I knew it was a problem and in recent years bullying has been highlighted as a major cause but I just hadn't been forced to see so many actual accounts.
I read all this with Nicholas on the floor not far from me, playing with some trains, and it got me thinking. What can I do to prevent this from happening to my child? I was ready to plunge into the internet for signs to look out for, I don't want those preeteen and teenage years to sneak up on me and I have conveniently forgotten all about this all too real problem. I was ready to go into full research mode because once it goes in my head it is easily triggered years later. I don't want to risk missing a "sign" or being caught completely by surprise like a lot of these parents are. They had absolutely no idea their kid was in such trouble.
And just as the new tab was loading in my browser I remembered. I was one of them. I was "lucky" and was tossed in the loony bin in time. I was medicated and "treated." I gave up on it all less than a year later.
I was never "cured" and have never been "better" and "normal" since. Anyone that knows me well knows this. I have battled depression and suicide for almost 14 years. I have gone through a lot of high risk behaviour and some pretty scary times at my lowest. At my highest I ended up knocked up so I don't really know how "good" my "best" years actually were.
Those that know me well know that I have been battling a bad and progressive low for almost a year.
I share all this because a lot of people think that a survivor of an attempted suicide will recover from the physical damage, get some therapy, and be good as new. The truth is that recovering from the physical damage is only the beginning and quite often the easiest part. There are known ways of fixing people's bodies, procedures and technologies that will help. These damages can be repaired, for the most part, if they survive. The brain is a much more delicate part of us that is not so easily "fixed." And the battle that comes after is a long and hard one.
So if you know someone who has survived a suicide attempt don't simply breathe a sigh of relief and think all will be better. All was not well for a long time, no one wakes up one morning and out of nowhere tries to end their life, and it will take a long time for it to get better. Don't judge the person or their family. Support them in their journey and be prepared for it to be a long, tough one. Even when they don't seem to appreciate you, when they seem to want you miles away and never show gratitude or express a "thank you" for sticking by, they do. Sometimes the hurt is too much for them to realise it. Maybe they don't see it at the moment, but will one day. Maybe, just maybe, it's their way of protecting themselves from more hurt. They were hurting enough to want to end it all and now that they are forced to deal they may just be on the defensive side.
Few have stuck by me when I have pushed the hardest. Very few. Most took it at face value and left, even if only for a while. I am thankful for those that have stuck by me when I all I did was push, it made me feel just a little more safe and a little more loved. And for these people I am grateful. So stick around, you may just be the brightest light in their darkness.
As for saving Nicholas, all I need to do is remember. Remember how I felt. Remember what I did. Remember what wasn't done. Remember to ask him about his day. Remember to ask him about his friends. Remember to ask his teachers how he is doing and what they see in him. Remember to ask his friends about him. Remember to see red lights when I see no friends. Remember to hug him often. Remember to tell him I love him, because sometimes we just need to hear it. Remember that he may look like me but he is NOT me, he may not go anywhere near the road I did.
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| My reasons to hold on when nothing else seems to matter. |
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