The Right To Grieve

When I was young there was a special person in my life.  This person was not in my daily life but I did hear from them and see them periodically.  It was not unusual to go a couple of months without a word.

One day my brain did one of those fast leaps from subject to subject and suddenly I realised I had not heard or seen this person in a very long time.  I went to ask my mother about this person and without even looking at me she tells me that this person died over a year ago.  I was shocked.  I asked her why she hadn't told me and she said she didn't think I would be able to handle it.

I was 13 years old when this happened.

Nicholas had been fortunate enough to not have to deal with losing a family member.  However, several months ago he realised my grandmother died before he was born and it really upset him.  From time to time he brings it up again and it upsets him.  I hug him and kiss him and soon he's ok again.

Last week things changed.  Last week he experienced his first loss.

After a good grooming.

During Nicholas' first year of life we lived with my sister.  When he was about 6 months old (give or take) my sister took him with her (an errand or something).  When they returned I heard the car pull up to the driveway, heard her turn off the car and heard her open and close her door.  I then heard her open a second door and I knew she was taking Nicholas out in his car seat.  Then I heard her shouting.  I rushed to the door and see her holding the carseat up and a little white dog on her hind legs batting up at it.  Every movement my sister made the dog followed.  She started coming towards the front door and said that the dog came out of nowhere.

It was hot, it had been a hot week, and we knew this dog had to be thirsty so we gave her some water.  She was friendly so we figured she was lost but we had never seen her before.  She was the ugliest little dog I had ever seen.  It looked like she had gotten an awful haircut making her look skinny and weird.  Since she didn't have a collar but could tell it was a girl we started calling her Lady.  After several days of walking her around the neighbourhood to see if someone recognised her they decided to take her to the vet and see if she was microchipped.  They found out she was not microchipped and that she was a poodle with a bad haircut.  So they decided to keep her.

She immediately took to Nicholas.  My sister said that when she put the carseat on the ground to close the door Lady came running towards him.  She was always near him and when he cried she would cry.  This would become Nicholas' dog.

We moved out of my sister's house when Nicholas was 2 years old but he continued to visit on a regular basis.  When I started working full time he was there daily.  Lady's small size made her perfect for him.

On Thursday of last week Lady's time on Earth ended.  She was old and her body was not holding up anymore.  I had to make the decision of how to tell Nicholas this news.  To complicate things not only had he told Lady to get better because he didn't want her to die that morning before going to school, his aunt was leaving on vacation that evening.  He would not be back at that house for a whole week.


I have made a vow not to lie to him and this was no exception, I knew I had to tell him.  But Thursday evening after so much change didn't seem wise.  I had no idea how he would take it, how hard it would be on him.  I didn't want him to have a bad night and have him have a bad day at school on Friday.  I made the decision to wait until Friday evening when I got home from work.  This way I would have time to do some research as to how best to handle the situation and if he took it extra hard then we could stay up cuddling without worry.  And then have two whole days to be there, at will, if he needed extra hugs.

Everything I read confirmed my decision.  At his age and understanding level he needs to be told the truth sooner rather than later and that it had to be an honest discussion not sugar coated with deceiving language or well intentioned lies.  So on Friday, after I had been home for a little while, I sat down with him to talk.

Nicholas was very upset and it was the hardest half hour I have ever experienced.  He was completely devastated.  I can honestly say that watching your child in such pain is worse than experiencing it yourself.

"I loved her so much."
"This makes me feel very sad."
"I didn't want her to die."
"I don't like to feel like this."
"I want her to come back."
"I will miss her so much."
"All I have is memories."
"She was a special dog."

It was heart breaking for me to see him in such pain and not be able to do anything but hold him tight, knowing that there was nothing I could tell him that would make it all better, knowing that there was nothing I could do that would fix it.

But slowly he stopped talking.  Then his crying calmed.  I cleaned his face and he was sad but ok.  I knew it wasn't the end of it, that he would continue to have episodes of this kind of sadness off and on for a while.  But I didn't know for how long, and that was unsettling.  We gave him a treat (ice cream makes everything at least a little better) and made sure he knew it was ok to feel sad and angry and it was ok to come get hugs when he needed it.

It's hard.  And I know many parents have had to go through this with their children.  I know every child is different and reacts differently to the death of a loved one.  I know some relationships are harder than others, losing a parent is more difficult than losing a pet.  And I know that no matter how much a parent prepares or tries, that helping a child grieve is heartbreaking and difficult.  Especially when the parent is grieving too.  But it must be done.

Children have the right to grieve.

And I believe that if a child understands the concept of death, if they understand that it means the person or animal is no longer with us and will not be with us in the physical form again, then they have the right to know when someone they love has died.  They have the right to go through the grieving process at the time of death and not be kept in the dark.  Just because it is difficult and painful does not mean the adults have the right to make things easier on themselves with lies.  It is selfish and irresponsible.

It hasn't been easy and I've begun to second guess my approach, my choice in words, if maybe I should have held on to him a little longer.  Or maybe cleaned his face sooner.  But I know these details will fade and he will ultimately remember that I told him his beloved pet had died and that I held him close and let him cry.  I take comfort that he will not have to one day realise that she did not run away or get lost and then wonder what else I may have lied to him about.

I was lied to, I always wonder.



Sweet Lady, you will be missed.

Dear Niece: Keeping Memories, Pt. 2

Dear Niece,

Can you believe he is 3 months old?? I can, but I remember when Nicholas turned 3 months and it quite literally felt like we had just left the hospital a week or so ago.

By now little Ginger Baby has learned to do a lot of things and has grown quite a bit. This growing leads to a little, tiny, problem: outgrown clothes.

Dear Niece: Keeping Memories, Pt. 1

Dear Niece,

Your baby has been here for over a month now.  He has lived through holidays and family and you've already got plenty of stories to tell.  He's reached milestones and you've got many pictures.  You are living in the now and enjoying your baby.  It is a wonderful time!

Misleading "Truths," New Truths

As 2015 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on this year and what we have been through, what we have learned.  Specifically, what we now know about Nicholas and his Autism that we did not know in 2014.  And, in turn, what we now know about me and my family.

Dear Niece: What To Do Once Your Baby Is In Your Arms

Dear Niece,

Now that you finally have that baby in your arms and have taken in the sight of his precious face, make sure you take a sniff and enjoy that new baby smell.  Seriously, hold him close to your nose and take a deep, long breath of baby!

Dear Niece: Baby Advice, Because I Haven't Given You Mine

Dear Niece,

Now that you are reaching the end of the waiting part of your parenting journey you have probably began receiving all sorts of parenting advice. Let me assure you of one thing: It will not end. Ever. Someone, somewhere, will always have some sort of advice to give you whether you ask for it or not, whether you want it or not. And since I don’t think I’ve done my fair share in the advice area, and because I think I am the best parent on this planet and therefore an expert on this parenting thing, let me give you the best advice you will ever get (/end sarcasm):

Dear Niece: The Only List You Need of What To Pack To The Hospital

I sat in the hospital for hours waiting for some giant bird to bring me my baby.
Eventually they rolled me away to the OR... there was not bird.

The clock is now ticking on baby’s eviction notice and thus comes the time to prepare for the hospital! Being your first, you never know how slow or fast everything will progress so I suggest having a bag ready ahead of time with the stuff that can’t be packed in advance easily accessible.

I prepared a bag and went to the hospital and some stuff was never touched and some stuff I had to have brought it afterwards. So here is my list of what you need to bring.

Dear Niece: Everything You Will Absolutely Need For Your Baby

This has got to be my favourite mommy/baby duo.

Dear Niece,

Happy Mother's Day!

As the excitement of a new baby in the family grows I can't help but remember what it was like for me 8 years ago when I was expecting my first at your same age.  One thing I wished I would have had was a true list of what I was really going to need for my baby.  Every company has their own list to suit their own agenda and pocket so I have decided to make you the most unbiased list of the most important things that you will truly need for your baby.

I Have Failed

Across the street from where I live there is a little house.  An older lady lives there with what appears to be her teenage son.  I sometimes see a girl but mostly just the mother and son.

NOV07 7.0 - "Nicholas"

WOW!  He is SEVEN years old and I am in disbelief!  It just doesn't feel like it has really been that many years.  He is now more than half my size and that still amazes me every time I notice.  Granted, I'm short so that's not very tall and he is still the shortest first grader in his school.  But still, DUDE!  Pretty soon he'll be my size, and that's not an exaggeration.  I am happy I have a growing child, my wallet is begging him to slow his growing.

On his birthday we went to Disneyland and we stayed late so that he could watch the fireworks.  He is now tall enough for a lot of the larger rides and he enjoys those.  On Sunday we had cake and pizza with grandma and parents.  This coming Saturday he will have his birthday party at his aunt's and finish off his birthday month celebration with Thanksgiving.

His 6th year was packed with all sorts of experiences and new things and changes.  Not all were good.  We have learned a lot this past year and grown a lot:

I Am Not A Father

Every year I get the same thing from various people and while I do understand and appreciate the sentiment, I find it a bit insulting.  As always, it's my personal opinion and to each their own.

A mother is a female and a father is a male.  To me, that is as far as the distinction goes.  To say a mother is special because she carried the child diminishes the role of females who have adopted children or who have willingly taken on the responsibility of a child not theirs.  To say a birth mother is more special than an adoptive mother or step mother is insulting at best.  And where does that leave the father?  Is a man less of a father because he does not share any genetic material with the child?

Keeping Afloat

I can't say I'm the most positive person around, my wife likes calling me a debbie downer.  It's funny because, despite her accusation, I make great efforts to stay positive and not dwell on myself.  But right now I need to vent a little.  Maybe a l not.  I'm only human, I have feelings and emotions and pains.

For the past two or three weeks... maybe a month, I've not been well and the only thing keeping me going forward is knowing it could be worse.  And it looks like life is on a mission to make that as painfully obvious as possible right now.  I have two friends that have lost husbands, one with a daughter the same age as Nicholas.  One friend who was in the hospital for almost a week due to strong contractions and, basically, premature labour.  She's only 26 weeks along and very young and scared.  Someone who miscarried at 30 weeks due to shitty doctors (not in the US, no possibility for suing).  I could go on with what is going on around me and I do feel for these people and I know full well their situations are far worse than mine.

But I still have mine.

The Homeless

*warning: very long*

Timing is everything and maybe this is a sign.

On Saturday we went to have a late lunch/dinner at a fast food place and not far from us was a homeless man just sitting, minding his own business.  He wasn't bothering anyone and I didn't smell anything when I walked passed him (I have a very sensitive nose) so I didn't find him bothersome.  It was a really hot day and he was probably just trying to stay cool.  He asked a couple of people, maybe 3, if they had spare change after they took time to give him a look longer than the normal split second.  One lady offered to buy him a burger, which he accepted.  A young man, probably older teen, was selling chocolate for some religious something or other.  I don't know what possessed him to go ask the obviously homeless man if he would buy a chocolate bar for his cause.  The man replied with, "If I had any money on me I'd buy the whole box."  They talked a little and the young man with the chocolates gave him a postcard with information to some sort of shelter or group home or something sponsored by his charity and a chocolate bar.

Autism Awareness

Apparently today is Autism Awareness Day?  At least according to our office manager, who also has an autistic son.  And apparently you are also suppose to wear blue in support of autism awareness and everyone got the memo except me because I’m just suppose to somehow know all there is to know in regards to activism and autism.

Unsolicited Advice

Part of being a parent is getting unsolicited advice.  I have come to accept that and, as a parent, I have several responses that I use for such advice:

“Oh, that sounds interesting. I’ll look into it.”

“Thanks, but that doesn’t really align with my parenting style.”

And an oldie, but works:

“Thanks...”

Pictures of Nicholas

When Nicholas was born we used to take him to Kiddie Kandids every month to get monthly, professional pictures of him.  Our goal was to get yearly pictures after that.  Well, things didn't quite work out and my next experience at a photo studio (Target) was a pretty bad one.  It has always been really hard for him to focus and follow directions and look where you are trying to get him to look.  We now know why but at the time it just felt like studio pictures were out of the question.  Ever since then I have wanted to hire a professional photographer to take pictures of him outdoors, where he is the most comfortable and the most himself.  With the wedding in December we hired a photographer to do some engagement/family photos as well as the ceremony.  They got some amazing pictures of him!  Here are some of my favourites:

Back! Again...

Back in November I had written a rather lengthy post but did not publish it because it was late and I wanted to give it one more read through for grammar and what not.  Well, life happened and I never went back to it.  In retrospect, it seems senseless now and I may tell that story at a later date or in a series of posts later on.  Life has happened and so lets get caught up.

A Year Later...

*dusts off dust and cobwebs... watches spiders run*

It has been a little over a year since the last post and there are various reasons for that.  Mostly, I was convinced my last post was around potty training time and that 'catching up' would be too monuments.  Turns out last post was about destruction.  So let me start by updating that.

Momma Vs Mom: No, It's Not The Same Person

I've mentioned Mom (aka Mommy #2 sometimes) before but I have never really explained how things work.  Mostly because no one has ever asked and it's too complicated for me to try to explain without any prompting.  However, it has been brought to my attention that people may be confused so here it is: Who is Mom, who is Momma, and how the heck does a child get this?