When I was pregnant everyone would tell me about all the things that motherhood would entail. I would be a full time driver, teacher, on call nurse, etc. But there are a lot of things that no one told me I would have to do. True, they are part of the job, but I was not expecting them until I was doing them.
Personal Groomer
Bathing my child until he is old enough to do it on his own was expected. So was doing his hair and keeping him generally clean. I just didn't realise this meant I would be learning a new art. How do you scrub hair on a wobbly body? Even when he was finally able to sit on his own the littlest movement could have tumbled him over. At 3 1/2 I still have to balance my efforts to thoughroughly wash those locks with his ability to stay seated when he would rather be splashing. I have also had to cut hair. It seems like a complete waste of money to take a 6 month old to get a 'hair cut' when all you want is to trim the front so it's not in his eyes. Just a trim, right? <insert hysterical laugh> Well, lets just say I have yet to 'master' this skill, but I have done it quite a bit. Speaking of which, my kid is due for a trim... Fantastic Sam's does it for me now ;)
Pedicurist/Manicurist
This did not occur to me until I received a pair of little nail clippers in a 'baby care' set as a gift. I would have to cut his nails. I mean, of course! There is no way a baby can do it for themselves. And those little nails do grow. That's the whole point of those little mits, to keep those little nails from scratching little faces. At this point I did not realise what a skill that would be to learn. So I dilegently cut his nails once we took him home every time they got a little long. I learned a system that worked! Then one day, when he was several weeks old, I started looking at his toes and realised I had not cut those. That was much more difficult than his hands. Now, as a toddler, cutting nails looks like an Olympic sport in which speed and adequacy are more more imoprtant than actual look or length. I have mastered cutting little nails in exactly three clips!
Engineer
I buy age appropriate toys for my child and he has age appropriate fun. Until I try to join in the fun. I show him that there is more to the toys, usually building toys, than he has discovered. And then he wants me to reproduce these feats. Over and over. Then the requests started coming in. A pile of wooden blocks have to transform into a train. With a station. And a water tower. Hmmm... Or, he discovers a box and starts putting things in said box. Then a tantrum ensues when he cannot get ALL the things he wants in the box to actually fit in the box. Through creative engineering I have made things fit in places they really should not fit in. And lets not begin with 'broken' toys that I must fix. I have repaired all sorts of electronic toys. Simply constructing train tracks with bridges and tunnels and a round house on a limited sized surface should qualify me for an honourary degree in civil engineering!
Surgeon
I always figured that as long as I didn't allow destructive behaviour that I would not need to mend broken stuffed animals. I was wrong. I have performed surgery to replace stuffing and remove electronic parts from several stuffed animals. Needless to say, I have perfected this art and can successfully open up, un-stuff, re-stuff, and re-sew a stuffy in less than 15 minutes. Maybe it should be added to my resume.
Negotiator
This should have been at the top of the list right under 'on call nurse.' I *could* just go the 'do as I say' road but anyone with any experience with children knows this will not end well. And really, when you are on your way out the door, you do not want to have to handle a full blown tantrum as you try to put your kid in a stroller or car seat. It just takes too much time and energy (these little people are real strong!) and in the end you end up just as upset and frustrated. So he wants to take his teddy. And train. And sun glasses. And blankie. And I have to carry my bag/purse/diaper bag and stroller aside from him. On the bus. No, all these items will not be able to join. I could just say 'chose one' but that never goes well either. So instead we negotiate. He can wear the sun glasses (those easily fit in my bag). Why don't we leave teddy? He is tired. No? Then lets leave the train. Here, hold your sippy instead. And look, I have a sweater in my bag for later, so we don't need a blankie, ok? Yes, it takes a while, but so would the tantrum. And this way we aren't leaving exhausted and upset. I should add this, too, to my resume. Maybe work as a professional negotiator.
Activity Coordinator
Simply having a bunch of toys available to play is not good enough. I have learned this the hard way. Yes, he will play with his toys but eventually he will get bored and begin more 'fun' behaviour. So I have to find other things to do. Paint, puzzles, park, trips... Many times I don't realise the need until it is too late, so my coordinating skills need improvement. I guess I won't add this to my resume... yet.
Entertainer
Sometimes things don't quite work out. An appointment runs longer than expected, the bus is running late, we've ran out of snacks and it's taking longer to get home than expected. I could just haul around a cranky, tantrum induced child. I could raise my voice at him, maybe threaten to punish when we get home. People would look and judge and be totally annoyed with your kid. The frustration would be tiring to me too. And it would probably be embarrassing. Or I could act like a fool, make him laugh and pass the time. People still look and judge but aren't as annoyed with your kid. There is no frustration but acting a fool is just as tiring. And it is only embarrassing the first couple of times you have to do it. Then you simply don't care. Yes, I am a personal, on call, emergency entertainer and I can guarantee a good giggle when you are ready to call it quits. Well, only if you are 3. Maybe that should be added to my resume...
I think I'm going to go work on my resume and add 'Mommy' as a job.
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