Every year I get the same thing from various people and while I do understand and appreciate the sentiment, I find it a bit insulting. As always, it's my personal opinion and to each their own.
A mother is a female and a father is a male. To me, that is as far as the distinction goes. To say a mother is special because she carried the child diminishes the role of females who have adopted children or who have willingly taken on the responsibility of a child not theirs. To say a birth mother is more special than an adoptive mother or step mother is insulting at best. And where does that leave the father? Is a man less of a father because he does not share any genetic material with the child?
In an ideal situation there are two PARENTS, that is two people sharing the role of PARENTing a child. This is ideal because it gives the opportunity to tag team in difficult situations and for one to temporarily take over while the other takes a break. Or a shower. Our society tells us that there are certain ways the roles and responsibilities of parents should be split, but it does not mean that it is the only way to split the roles or that any other ways are not right. There is nothing a male parent or a female parent can provide exclusively that the other cannot.
Children need positive role models in their life, both male AND female ones. Our society has told us that a family is only parents and children, anyone else is extended family and not responsible for your children. It has told us that to seek the help of these other family members or of friends is somehow failure, that you should be able to raise your own kids on your own. But this goes against how humans have been raising children and families for centuries. It has beed done in groups of mothers and grandmothers and sisters, all helping raise the children while fathers and uncles did the hunting and whatnot. So female role models were not only mothers but aunts and grandmothers as well. Male role models were not only fathers but uncles and grandfathers as well. A father is not a requirement as a male role model just like a mother is not one either. In fact, there are many situations where a parent is such a bad role model that they can, quite possibly, be the worst role model for a child.
So when you tell me "Happy Fathers day, because you do both," you are telling me that I am fulfilling two distinct roles. That I do things that I should not have to do and would not do if there were a father in his life. And I just sit back and wonder, what am I doing that I am NOT SUPPOSE TO DO?? What do I do that is so "fatherly" that I need to be deemed a surrogate father as well?
I work. If he had a father would I NOT work? Do only single mothers work? Is there never a situation where both PARENTS work that is unacceptable or devastating to the child(ren)?
I hug. Is that something that only ONE parent does in a two parent household?
I kiss boo-boos. Do male parents never kiss boo-boos?
I administer care when he is sick. Is this something that is negotiated in two parent households? One parent given the assignment of "every time our child is sick YOU are responsible for gathering the appropriate medications, assessing the situation to see if and when medical care is needed, making the appointment and taking them to it, and wiping up snot and cleaning up vomit. I will simply continue on as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening."?
I teach. Language and math and science and physics and astronomy. I teach new words and we count to figure out how many legos are missing. We look up at the sky at night and use binoculars to see stars and planets. We build train tracks and lego structures and things with building blocks, encouraging his imagination and problem solving skills. I do not home school, this is just part of play time. Is this something reserved for a male parent only?
I play. We've kicked around balls and done some catching. I've helped him build fire trucks out of legos and trains out of building blocks. We have tickle fights and pillow fights. And I eat the culinary creations he makes in his play kitchen. Are any of these activities NOT appropriate for me to do?
I read to him. I bathe him. I feed him. I buy him clothing. I teach him hygiene and help when needed. I let him come to my bed when he's had a bad dream at night and tell him to get back in his bed when it is past his bedtime. I kiss him. I hold him, sometimes when he rather I not.
These things are all PARENTING, are they not? Which is "mothering" and which is "fathering?" I do not do the job of two different people, I do a job that is usually done by two people. So I work extra hard without someone to tag team with but at no time do I do something that I am not suppose to or shouldn't have to. We don't NEED a father in our lives. A second PARENT would help, but not entirely necessary.
The only thing a father would provide I cannot do, no matter how much I tried. I cannot be a man and therefore I cannot be a male role model. So when you say I play the role of a father you are implying that I am also a man capable of being a male role model. Thanks...
My son does not lack a male role model because he doesn't have a father. He has an uncle he sees almost daily. This man came to this country with only a trade and not even a word of English. But he has pulled himself up from nothing, worked hard and learned English. He is highly sought after in his trade and continues his ongoing training to maintain his need in the field. He isn't rich, far from it, but earns well and owns a house and two cars. He keeps my sister happy and without the need to work. He has helped raise two wonderful kids. He has battled cancer and never gave up hope. He takes my son to the park, teaches him about tools and takes goes along with his crazy antics. I can't imagine a better role model as to how to be a man.
He also has a male cousin who just graduated with many honours from high school and will be starting University in the fall. He plays video games with him and takes him to the movies and teaches him how to skateboard. He respects others and loves animals and teaches these things to my son. I am delighted that my favourite nephew is someone I am proud to have my son learn from.
So please, don't wish me a happy father's day. I am not a father, I do not wish to be one, and my son does not lack in anything from not having one. Celebrate me as a parent doing the best I can, just like any other good parent.
And for the record, I also don't like or expect anything on mother's day.
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