Is He Just Bad?

I don't like to introduce my child, either in person or in conversation, by stating he is autistic.  I feel that it is only one part of who he is and does not need to be mentioned any more than his obsession with Legos or trains need to be mentioned.  But just like Legos and trains, it does come up sometimes.  And when it does I have often been asked if I am sure he is autistic, could he just be bad.

This is where I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am a civilised human being.  In my mind the answer goes something like this:

You obviously don't know much about autism, if anything at all.  A child isn't labeled autistic simply because they throw tantrums nor is it done based on simple observation and anecdotes.  The child is evaluated by a team of professionals who come together to report their findings and draw a conclusion.  Professionals, not the school counsellor or some grad student with child development course work.  It involves submitting detailed histories of your child's health and infant and toddler milestones you watched your child's peers happily reach and surpass while your child wasn't even interested in trying them.   

Well how can I be sure, you ask. 

Well no, there is no blood test or MRI test or any other physiological test that can give us a definitive answer.  But that's because there is nothing wrong with him physiologically, he has all his body parts and organs and they are all constructed and working no differently than any other person.  A detailed scan of his brain would look no different than any other child's because there is nothing wrong with his physical brain.  The problem is in the programming, and that hasn't been fully understood yet. 

But a definitive test isn't always needed.  There are many diagnosis that are made simply out of a long list of symptoms and factors.  There is no blood test or scan that is done to diagnose depression, for example, but people not only get diagnosed but prescribed medication for it.  And many of these people show a lot of improvement with it.  No one is questioning them if they are sure they're depressed. 

But our son can speak in complete sentences and is potty trained and is not sitting in a corner rocking back and forth making incomprehensible sounds or spinning uncontrollably in the middle of the room all day, you say. 

Well, I don't know what kind of fictional movie or show you saw but that is NOT what the majority of children with autism look like.  Autism is described with DELAYED speech, not inability to speak, and with the proper help many learn to speak, at least to a certain degree, and are potty trained.  Autism, like most disorders (and just about anything else that can be 'not quite right' with the body and/or mind), does not look the same for everyone.  To use the depression example again, not everyone with depression is placed under suicide observation.  They're not all prescribed medication and they're not all attending weekly therapy sessions indefinitely.  Sometimes one or two sessions is enough to made a difference.  Sometimes it's not.  It all differs from person to person. 

Our son happens to be a high functioning autistic child.  Two years ago he would have probably been called Aspergers.   

Just because a child doesn't meet your incorrect stereotype of what they need to be to fit under a 'special' category doesn't mean that they're just bad kids and the parents are looking for excuses to their child's bad behaviour and their bad parenting.  Because if that was all it was you wouldn't have a panel of experts that spent hours with your child concluding the same thing.   

And you wouldn't have results from a change in academic program.  I have heard it from many parents and have seen it myself.  Going from a regular classroom to a special education classroom has made a transformation in our child.  If he was just a bad kid it would not matter what classroom he was in, the behaviour would not change.  And he is learning now, a whole lot more than he did in the other classroom.  He is a different child and continues to improve. 

But maybe the facts inconvenience you because you have a difficult child and your parenting choices have not worked to your advantage and the medical professionals you have been able to get to see your child tell you there is nothing wrong and, in essence, you have created that behaviour with your parenting choices.  

Instead, my response is usually, "Yes."  Because if you're ignorant enough to think someone wants their child to be autistic to excuse bad behaviour then you are not worth my time.