Unsolicited Advice

Part of being a parent is getting unsolicited advice.  I have come to accept that and, as a parent, I have several responses that I use for such advice:

“Oh, that sounds interesting. I’ll look into it.”

“Thanks, but that doesn’t really align with my parenting style.”

And an oldie, but works:

“Thanks...”



It’s really not nice to give someone advice that is not asking you for it and I really don’t encounter this problem too often.  When I do it is usually from family, to which I can be honest  and say, “No, not something I want to try, I’m not that loony yet.”

But since we received the results of Nicholas’s assessment as autism, it seems people feel that they can offer advice where they didn’t before.  And it is really starting to annoy me.  Really.  My son’s behavioural issues have not changed due to the assessment, he didn’t ‘become’ autistic suddenly out of nowhere.  So when I am talking about him to people that have known us since before the assessment and now they have advice, it makes me wonder as to why this advice was not available before the assessment.  Why is it now an appropriate time to offer it.

Nah.  I don’t really wonder.  I know.  Before the assessment I was a lousy parent and the reason he had these issues was because I did not discipline him the right way.  It was my problem and I am a lesser human for raising such a horrible child.  After the assessment he has something wrong with him and now I am no longer the lousy parent but am a helpless, ignorant parent that needs all the help available in order to deal with my demented child.

The thing is, neither one of us has changed.  Our home and our rules and our way of living has not changed.  What the assessment did was give us an explanation for what we have been living with.  We adapted to him and his needs long before he was even in school.  We didn’t need to know he was autistic to make our parenting choices.  We tried different things along the way, stopped whatever did not work and continued with what did.  That’s parenting.  Our home is not a military base with rigid rules and procedures and consequences and punishments that cannot be changed ever.  We feel that with any child, if a consequence or punishment is not changing the behaviour then you have to change the consequence or punishment.  All children are different and there aren’t a set of consequences or punishments that are guaranteed to work with all children.  It’s just that simple.

So now we have some people questioning the choices we make as a result of the assessment:

Why change the school, don’t autistic kids need stability and don’t respond well to change?
Are you sure you want to pursue a medical diagnosis?
Do you really want him to be labeled??!
Are you sure you want to put him in special ed?
Kids that go into special ed never get out.

And advice as to how to ‘cure’ or ‘treat’ our child:

Have you looked into the kinds of medications available for autistic kids?
Have you tried a gluten free/dye free/organic/all natural/etc diet?
Have you tried avoiding all violence on tv/movies/etc?
Have you tried a chiropractor?
Have you looked into occupational therapy?

My biggest problem with these people is that they don’t even have first hand experience with autistic kids!  They talk about how the know someone who has a nephew that is autistic or read an article in some magazine or their ‘expert’ opinion is having worked in special ed (yet has never even been in the same room as my child!).  How dare you question the choices we have made for our child?  We have made the choices in consultation with the specialists that did the assessment.  Professionals that no only have years of experience in this area and have been specifically trained for this, but professionals that spent many hours over the course of many weeks with our child.  Observing him in the classroom, speaking to him one on one.  Talking to us and asking us a million questions about him.

My boss has a son who is autistic and I see in our conversations that she understands this all too well.  She asks me about how he is doing, how is he adjusting not what am I doing or if I have tried something.  Unless I say something that would entice a suggestion (I don’t know what to do or I am so frustrated with his) she doesn’t offer any advice.  She just listens and shares her experiences.  Why can’t others be like that?

Nicholas is high functioning enough that I don’t need to tell everyone I meet.  It usually comes up at some point and, such as at work where we talk about our kids a lot, it helps with understanding of certain situations.  So if I do tell someone I just met, there is usually a reason for it.  And I would think (but I guess I am mistaken) that if I am telling you this little piece of information you would understand that it is for a specific purpose.  Sometimes he is having a moment and my 3 ½ foot, 6 year old child needs me to carry him or hold him close.  Or he needs to be removed from chaos and overstimulation and given a moment to cope.  So if we are in line at a store and my kid starts freaking out because your kids are both banging on the toys you are about to get them, pushing all the buttons and arguing and screaming at each other at the same time, so I have to pick up my kid and hold him, to which you give me a weird look, I will then explain that he is autistic and he finds too much noise overstimulating.  No bitch, I did not just tell you that for you to say, “have you tried any holistic approaches?”  I told you that so you can get your ‘normal’ wild animals under control for just the five minutes it will take us to check out!

I understand that some people are just curious and their suggestions may come from trying to strike up a conversation and increase their own limited understanding and relate to what may seem as an un-relatable situation.  Here is some friendly advice: instead of trying to relate by giving me advice you overheard your cousin's best friend mention for her autistic child or something you read in passing in some magazine try being honest in your ignorance.  "I don't know much about autism, how does that affect your daily lives?" is much more welcomed than, "I know removing artificial dyes helps autistics kids, have you tried that?"